Catharsis is defined as the elimination of a complex by bringing it to consciousness and affording it expression.
Heroina being Heroina takes an action not by thinking through its consequences but feeling the spirit of the moment. Yes, she frequently engages in tornado-like behavior and often suffers through its consequences.
Before arriving at guilt-freedom, the consequences slapped her in the face real hard. Having survived thirty-something years of choices with Polaris by her side reminding her of the cause-and-effect, she knows with each choice one waives another, thus, should be mindful of consequences.
Before choosing to be kind to herself, Heroina chooses to be 'bad' in the most simplistic meaning of the word. She follows her desires and takes control of the moment only to drive it towards pleasure. Not many can stand in her way when she gets fierce like that. Naturally, The Lord of Red succumbs to her calling.
It takes two to tango but one is enough to freak the fuck out and have a mini nervous breakdown. Heroina still only vaguely remembers the cold, hard feeling she had while chanting "What I fear the most has happened. Maybe it's not as bad as I imagined. Maybe it's so much worst that my mind is in denial" in an endless loop. After a few splashes of cold water, as cold as the feeling that has taken over her consciousness, her subconscious subsides and lets her awake mind take back control.
Having been blind-sided by the almighty Heroina's nervous episode, The Lord of Red gets scared, thinking he has broken her mind which he deeply values. Soon after, Heroina quiets down the guilt in the lord's mind but not before finding out the hidden, suppressed truth of her reality which he was deeply in denial of. Sitting across the table from The Lord of Red and looking into his stary eyes, Heroina shoulders the ugly truth of her circumstance. Again in hindsight, she will discover that this truth was so deeply buried down in her personality and as well as her perception which she will need to take apart piece by piece only to re-construct her own truth. A truth she can be comfortable with.
Speeding through a series of intense moments, Heroina and The Lord of Red shared a glimpse of clarity neither of whom can call it their own.
***
Determined to run wild outside of her comfort zone, Heroina walked up to The Lord of Red's den, with the curiosity of a wild-life documentarist eager to see this thing through.
The Red Lord was in fact an absentee landlord of the medieval times. Looking up close, Heroina saw the cracks in his soul but never uttered a word. She wasn't being gentle nor selfish. She was just accepting the imperfect perfection of what was, what is, and what will be.
This wasn't the first time Heroina and Red Lord's paths crossed. How many times these two mighty souls have shared a timeline? Only God knows. But, in this lifetime they had two prior engagements. Heroina wondered how the lord remembered those occurrences. Remembering them fondly, yet so vaguely, Heroina told over and over again what she has found so intriguing in the Red Lord. Like many emotions, these were reciprocated yet he kept the details to himself mostly. A few words he uttered that stuck with Heroina. Her subconscious grabbed onto those few words where The Lord of Red drowned Heroina in his gentle clarity.
Urging Heroina to read M.S. 2150, Red Lord introduced the concept of Macro Philosophy, alpha souls, twin souls, and soul mates among other things. The lead character of the book was considered evolved because of his life experiences and accepting world view. His soul was macro/evolved enough to travel to 2150 where his twin soul, Lea Nine, and soul mate, Carol Three, who is also a reflection of his chosen brother Karl, lived.
Enchanted by the possibility of another truth, Heroina latched onto this perspective for a few millennia to come. Discussing the theories in the book with Polaris, Heroina was not disturbed by the ending of the book, possibly seeing the perfect beauty of the imperfection. After all, stories that did not end with a happy ending were the ones that stayed with her.
The third time wasn't the charm either. Heroina hasn't found closure and definitely wasn't ready to let go. She wanted to freeze time and cherish the moment in which she has met a new Heroina. This double ganger was a force of nature. Having absolute clarity in that present moment, she did not know fear, shame, pain, or grief. Who wouldn't want to be that invincible woman?
These stolen moments, ever so brief, ended by Red Lord's choice.
Heroina played countless lives in her bright mind. She visualized how her story could end without dwelling on the choices she would have to make and the consequences she would have to live through, in a heartbeat. For a brief moment, she was also free from circumstances. She realized she has passed through guilt-freedom and stepped into neverland.
Feeling as light as a feather, accepting all possible outcomes of her countless life choices, Heroina gathered her thoughts and left a note for The Lord of Red before she journeyed to the stars far far away.
***
Polaris could barely contain her thoughts when she saw Heroina the last time before her departure. Many things have been said yet nothing was resolved. Weirdly enough, the suspense wasn't killing either one of the women. As usual, Polaris was cautiously optimistic yet still secretly and openly judging Heroina. Fearful of her demise from mighty guilt-freedom, Polaris wanted Heroina to remember that the choices she has made prior to her homecoming were the so-called "right" ones.
Polaris deemed Heroina as the greatest realist of all time. So, she wanted Heroina to stop living in neverland, yearning for the unlived and unsullied versions of her life. Most often than not, she grounded Heroina but every once in awhile encouraged her to dream and dream big. This time around, Polaris firmly believed in reviewing the facts and accepting the matters as they are to move past them. Like the North Star she is, reiterated her interpretation of the facts when needed to guide Heroina's perception.
Heroina, on the other hand, was more conscious of the contrasting roles Polaris and herself were playing in a seemingly similar story. As she was trying to balance her feelings, thoughts, and goals in this lifetime, Heroina was vividly aware of the differences in circumstances. Polaris was regretting her choices but has found something resembling comfort living in the consequences of her so-called "bad" choices. Heroina was borderline proud of her daring choices, made under the influence of self-destructive impulses, but quite frankly was very new to navigating this type of consequence. The fruit of her choices, bad or otherwise, had yet to manifest itself. They were imminent but nevertheless unseen.
Que in Lo Air's Day and Night:
I toss and turn, I keep stressing my mind, mind
I look for peace but see I don't attain
What I need for keeps this silly game we play, play
Now look at this
Madness to magnet keeps attracting me, me
I try to run but see I'm not that fast
I think I'm first but surely finish last, last
'Cause day and night
Hold the phone
The lonely stoner, Mr. Solo Dolo
He's on the move can't seem to shake the shade
Within his dreams he sees the life he made
It seems the feelings that she had are through
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