Something A Little Less Depressing

Today went somewhat swiftly. I didn't have time to stop and feel bad about myself except for lunch time. 

Ironic enough, when I take a z-report at the end of the day walking from the subway, I don't see much increase in terms of MoM, YoY or QoQ. I'm gonna throw up comparative shit soon. Jokes aside, I feel like I'm learning some stuff and finally getting to see a bigger picture but the progress is so incremental that the market share is not changing. 

I know your 20s supposed to be awkward and excruciating but give me a break. I'm so off my game that I can't auto-pilot even the most basic tasks. You know, like giving a polite answer to an awfully boring question, copy - paste special'ing, taking a percentage change or looking at where you're going. I have to pay special attention while performing these activities coz I'm way off my game. They used to be so inherently easy tasks. I need my 20s phase to be concluded so that, I can shake off all the confusion and questioning and have some piece of mind. Maybe, then, I can focus and learn something. I'm very frustrated and its just a by-product of taking things out of proportion. My magnifier goggles are on. I need to chill a little and have some faith. Stop, what do you mean faith? 

Yeap, it's that easy for me to start questioning the purpose of life and other philosophical concepts. Going back to where we left of, overthinking and over-dwelling on shit will kill me.

Is there a TED video on learning to keep your chin up and keep learning while failing depresingly often? 

Imagine the first two seconds of remembering how to ride a bike. Your whole world shakes in those two seconds as if the floor is icy. I feel like stuck in those two seconds everyday. I gotta get a grip on this job thing, yesterday! 

I shall contemplate the best NYC trip as a gift for myself hoping that this miserable episode will end by October.

I have to admit today was a little less painful. I made it through without blood and tears. But, I need a game changing wild card to get my shit together. I need a mental dialysis and a good night sleep.

  

Not Achieving Your Dreams

Today is about being unable to achieve your dreams and realizing you're not cut out for the job.

I have carefully reviewed my options of a) quiting b) running away c) crying out loud and all seemed better than trying and failing once again. Losing the little faith that I had in me, I came to realize that I'm failing terribly.

High levels of stress in a fast paced environment and super high expectations intimidate me. I'm definitely not suited for a marketing job in a multinational company. There it is, I said it.

I'm hoping for a complete change in the turn of events since one can always hope to see the light at the end of the tunnel but it doesn't seem to be a likely one.

I want to look back in a fee months and say "yeah, change management is a pain but I managed it well at the end". But, I have no hope, none what so ever!

Desperation is in my bones today. I can't help but fail miserably.

I need a drug induced sleep of 3 straight days.

Money in your 20s

You hated when you were a teenager? Wait for your 20s, they are going to feel more awkward. In the middle of my 20s, I can proudly say that I belong to the group, I feel out of place, confused and somewhat bipolar. 

I love watching other people who play it cool, like they've already figured it all out. Bitch, please! If you did figure out the purpose of life, why you still seek approval? 

A visit to the shopping mall paralyzed me today. There was an elevator man(!) It felt like being in the Ritz's elevator from the Boardwalk Empire set. How badly do we want to draw a line between us and them to feel good about ourselves? 

I have been motivated to work hard and collect gems of achievement from a very early age, perhaps too early, and I can't help but question the purposed of it all together. Make no mistake my friends, earning money doesn't make life easier nor being successful. It just raises expectations to a higher level. Where is the line? Is it right where the line between me and the elevator man is drawn? - where I'm supposed to feel priviledged to have another person pushing the elevator buttons for me.  

On God

You come to existence. You develop a conscious all around your existence then you cease to exist. And you call it coincidental? Once upon a time, there were two close buddies; matter and space and it ended up producing you. Think rules of physics made you breath. That's a way of looking at it. But from where I stand the view is quite the opposite.   

Even the very act of breathing fascinates me. The concept of life is so mind-blowingly complicated that I can't help but believe, there must be something bigger than this. 

Your immediately developed conscious, breaching a past, a present and a future for you, stops being the conscious you know at a certain moment, death. And throughout your consciousness you live with not knowing what happens once you're dead.  The very foundation of consciousness is built on knowing. You know where you are in terms of so many dimensions while you are conscious; place, time, emotional orientation, physical being. And you live with not knowing where you will be at in terms of any of the above dimensions once you are dead. 

This fascinatingly difficult situation makes me think that it's only rational to assume a higher entity exists and that's why you come to exist the way you exist. This beautifully complicated existence cannot be coincidental. 

But I don't buy any of this self repeating stories. There are ways of teaching and story telling, giving a story to an abstract concept, is one of them. All religions and beliefs claim a story, many repeating the similar ones in a slightly different manner, they are trying to teach us concepts. 

While putting so much meaning in to the idea of a might entity I perceive religion quite very skeptically. Science tells you to question and I have some very big question marks as to the religious explanations of existence. It can neither be chance nor a disobedient and insecure servant. I don't think someone called god created us out of boredom or wrath nor I believe it was simply matter and space holding hands.

Ironically, the famous pastor's words are so profound; get up in the morning, go to work, come home, watch tv, go to bed, and go to parties on the weekends. there has to be more to life than this.

     

To Hell With New Years Resolutions

Joseph Campbell once said that "We must let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." 

I have recently admitted that I do not have a 5-year development plan for my career during a job interview. As unprofessional as it sounds, it was a candid answer. I don't live life like USSR after WWI, I really don't have plans for future development. At the expense of blowing my chances, I played my cards openly. 

With the new years, everyone should show some sincerity to themselves. You don't need the calender to tell you to change your life. We all know, starting a diet on Monday or a new life on Jan 1st never sticks. We should focus on our experiences and try to learn a little. 

In the book Conversations with God, it says that God gives you the same test over and over again until you take a good lesson out of it and change yourself. So, better look where you were last year this time and then walk your way through now. You probably never have imagined you'd be at this point in life a year ago. But don't get stucked on the miserable moments, they must have made you stronger and/or wiser in some way since you've survived.

I recently read the most inspiring analogy "...If a caterpillar judged his metamorphosis by the first step – being locked up in a cocoon – he would never experience flight."
You've got to look at the bigger picture and figure out which choices led to which results and what are your take home messages.

Dreaming about the future and putting unrealistic targets is as pointless as obsessing over your past. Instead, you should reflect on the past and be hopefull that you learn more out of this year.