Persevere and Prosper

We all started with high hopes for ourselves. We had plans, aspirations, and dreams for our future. And then life happened. Each and every one of us has a broken part deep inside their soul now. But, we all persevered.

We learned happiness is not the destination but the journey and no one but yourself can make you happy. This put each and every one of us on a different journey to figure out how we can make ourselves happy. It took courage to embark on these journeys and we weren’t fearless. In fact, scared shitless, we started the search to find ourselves. Because nothing could be scarier than a life that wasn’t lived truly and to be true to yourself first you need to know yourself.

Some of us changed cities some changed countries. Some didn't move more than an inch but we all left some things behind. We left unrealized dreams behind to realize new ones. 

We learned to walk away from toxic habits, partners, and jobs. Determined to fail again but fail better next time, we embraced our failures which are our greatest teachers. To fail more meant to learn more. To learn more was to live better.  Ultimately, we learned to forgive ourselves for the mistakes we've made. 

Some of us learned to meditate some of us knew all along how to listen to their mind, body, and soul. We became our own teachers, doctors, and saviors. We knew no one could save ourselves but us. 

We learned to make an effort to understand others, where they come from why they think the way they think. We opened ourselves to all the colors of this world. We learned everyone had a role to play in their own story and it wasn't our place to judge their performance. Afterall, we were neither the judge nor the jury. We learned to evaluate an instance with its circumstances. Because circumstances mattered.   

Some of us became alone some became lonely. Lonesome wasn't something new for some of us and loneliness broke some of us. But eventually, we all learned to stand tall. One by one we learned not to sell ourselves short because it was all that we had. Life chewed us up and spat us out. Then we pulled ourselves together and got up, again. After a decade of practice, we started to build resilience. 

We discovered hard truths about ourselves. Someone said "If the truth hurts, you ain't living right." so we had to find the strength in ourselves to change. Facing our demons wasn't easy, let alone slaying them. When our inability to change hit us like a ton of bricks, the pain and misery lit a fire. And then the phoenix was born again from its ashes.  

Would You Survive for Yourself?

Her zaman biraz dark bir insan oldum ben. Mood swinglerim Disneyland’deki en kral roller coaster’a tas cikartirdi. Depresif oldugum zamanlarda sarkazm ve dark espiri anlayisimla goz doldururdum. Sonra, hayatin anlamini yitirdigi bir donemim oldu. Firtinali bir denizde beni alabora etmeye calisan dalgalara benzetiyordum yasamayi.  O zaman ogrendim ‘depresyon’ kelimesinin gercek anlamini. Oyle umarsizca agza sakiz edilecek bir kelime olmadigini gordum. O halet-i ruhiyeye adim adim nasil girdigimi yillar sonra anladim ama hala nasil ciktigimi tam olarak bilemiyorum. Ki cikisimin da yillar surdugunu dusunursek, tek soyleyebilecegim bende derin izler biraktigi.

Disardan bakinca depresyondan cikmis gibi gozuktugum ama icten ice dustugum yerden ayaga kalkmadigimi, sadece dizlerimin uzerinde duracak kadar dogruldugumu bildigim bir donemde hayat karsima bir firsat cikardi. Kimisi buna ilahi mudahele der, kimisi sans, kimisi alin yazisi.. Bence aslinda hayat siklikla karsimiza boyle firsatlar cikariyor. Sadece, bizi guven alanimizdan cikaracak kararlar vermedigimiz icin, oncesinde sunulan secimlerin ‘firsat’ oldugunu goremiyoruz. 

Isin guzel tarafi, insan kendine deger veren, cesur hareketler yaptiginda evren hareketi alkisliyor. Exponential geri donusleri oluyor. Gercekten isteyince insanin yapamayacagi bir sey yok. Ama istemesi zor iste.. Iyilesmeyi istemek, degismeyi istemek, kendini sevip kendin icin dogru olani istemek bunlar yer cekimine karsi gelmek kadar zor seyler. Insan beyni ‘bahane/sebep’ yaratmak istediginde o kadar yaratici ve inandirici olabiliyor ki cogu zaman kendimizi duygularimizin esiri, aliskanliklarimizin kolesi veya talihsizliklerin kurbani olarak tanimlamakta hic zorlanmiyoruz.

Bekara koca bosamasi kolay demeyin. Bir kere cesaret gosterip kendin icin dogru karari aldiginda sihirli degnek degmiscesi yoluna girmiyor insanin hayati. Asil is zaten dogru karari aldiktan sonra basiretli davranmakta. Bu karari her gun tekrar tekrar almak gerekiyor. Her gun tekrar tekrar kabuk baglamak uzere olan yarayi kanatircasina, konfor saglayan efsundan kurtulmak ve zor olan adimi atmak lazim. Bunun icin de tek bir motivasyon var; kendinle barismak, kendini sevmek ve kendine deger vermek. Baskasi icin yasanmiyor hayat. Bir is, bir es, para veya nufuz/guc insana her gun tekrar tekrar dogru kararlari almasi icin gerekli motivasyonu saglayamiyor.   

Izledigim bir dizide iki karakter arasinda su konusma gectiginde cok etkilenmistim:
+ Would you die for me?
- I’ll survive for you.

Ben kendim icin ‘survive’ ettim. Would you survive for yourself?

Insan davranislarina soyle bir alici gozuyle baktiginda paternlerini rahatlikla gorebiliyor ama onlarla yuzlesmesi cok rahatsiz edici. Herkesin kendi kendine zarar veren davranis secimi baska. Kimi madde bagimlisi, kimi yemek, kimi alisveris. Kimi evli bir adama asik, kimi kendine asla hak ettigi degeri vermeyecek birine, kimi baskasina asik birine.  Hikayeler farkli olsa da olaylarin akisi da ayni cozum yolu da. Hepimiz kendimize itiraf etmek istemesek de zarar veren davranislarimizin farkindayiz. Zihinlerimizin kiliflar uretmesine izin veriyoruz. Kendimiz icin daha iyisini istemeden bu donguden cikmamiz mumkun degil.

We all need to love ourselves.

We all need to know our self worth.

We all need to survive for ourselves.