Heroina Part 6

Once upon a time in Mars

After leaving a few words for the Red Lord to contemplate, Heroina walks off to the red planet. Little did she know, emerging from her ashes meant diving into solitude. 

Not so suddenly but all-so-discretely she drifted away from the King of Sorrows and made the final choice to part ways. It was utterly unexpected and equally painful for Polaris to watch. God only knows how Heroina felt, living through the consequences of her choices. Waiving the possibility of a tomorrow with the King, she had chosen the reality of today's loneliness. 

The seven stages of grief were pretty hard to climb for Heroina as she up and left for Mars. The only resemblance of her life on Mars had was the suffocating heat of the vast, empty land. Heroina still felt the cold in her bones. 

Mindful, maybe more fearful, of her possibility of manipulating the Red Lord's actions, she stayed in this far far away land for so so long which felt like forever. Shouldering the responsibility of her actions, she faced the music on her own. More often than not, she imagined what the Red Lord was thinking, feeling... She wondered whether he remembered those ever-so-brief moments they have shared as fondly as she did. 

Being the ultimate queen of drama and master of artful deception, Heroina kept a "healthy" distance from the Red Lord. He didn't care to take a step further either. Polaris could swear that something has just died but she couldn't prove it. 

Heroina, dwelling in her solitude, convinced herself that the Red Lord and her timing was off from the beginning. "Maybe in another life" she uttered, past or future. But not in this one. 

Towards the end of the decade, she made her annual pilgrimage to Earth to celebrate her somewhat bitter life with Polaris. Polaris has been saddened by the unfolding of the events of this decade and definitely wasn't ready for the intensity of the walk down the memory lane. Yet, time wasn't slowing down. 

***

Polaris gave one of her famous speeches to Heroina during the holy week of her birth. She had written a will for Heroina to read, much like the one Heroina had left for the Red Lord prior to her departure at the beginning of the decade. It read "Accept your choices. Accept their consequences. Accept the circumstances. And move on". 

Heroina, being Heroina, has taken these words to her heart but had a different spin on the interpretation. She broke her long-lasting solitude and silence, walked up to the Red Lord's den, and howled. It didn't take long for the two to tango, like never before. 

Their timing was once again off. Naturally, Heroina didn't mind. Her balance was off for too long so she simply didn't care. But, the Red Lord had put himself in an impossible situation because he had acted without thinking of the consequences of his actions on Autumn. 

Autumn was a loyal beta, fitting perfectly with the lord's alpha traits. Their relationship felt like the dance of bees around flowers, mutually beneficial and fun. How could he so easily let all of these feelings go to waste with just one holler from Heroina? Confused and conflicted with the weight of the answers to his many questions, he uttered "Welcome back". 

***

Having swapped roles in the same story, Heroina took a page from the Red Lord's book and chose to end these stolen moments ever-so-abruptly. Unsurprised by the ultimate alpha's move, he licked his wounds in his den. 

Every waking hour, made the Red Lord better understand what Heroina must have gone through at the beginning of the decade. He very slowly and painfully drifted away from Autumn over the course of a year but it was the final parting gift he gave her that broke the back of the camel.    

Polaris felt the responsibility and taken over the role of the judge, jury, and the executioner trying to urge all sides to err on the side of caution. Needless to say, her efforts were futile. 

Would you have chosen to control yourself at the expense of creating a giant 'what-if' in your mind or would you rather let go at the expense of burning with regret?    

Heroina Part 5

Once upon a time in Venus

Much like 500 Days of Summer turning into Autumn, fall brings a sweet November to The Lord of Red. The last words of Heroina strikes a chord in him and plants a seed. A seed of an idea which he will water, day in day out, after her departure. This gentle nudge Heroina has given Red Lord seems to balance his decisions as well as his perception. Grounding him to the planet, helping him not spiral out of control in his self-destructive ways. 

The Lord of Red feels genuinely lucky to have lived through Heroina's storm. "She is intense" he utters. Feeling her transformational vibes in his bones. At that moment, he can swear on her force but he cannot prove it. Coming to terms with her departure takes some soul searching, some regret, and some acceptance. Eventually, he reaches out to Polaris. 

Knowing and trusting Polaris for a lifetime, Red Lord seeks her wisdom and guidance, the same as Heroina did. Polaris' delicate choice of words takes the initial pressure off of the conversation but it doesn't take much to escalate things. Polaris, having walked a seemingly similar path in Red Lord's shoes, levels with him in order to help him find his inner peace and make balanced choices, as prescribed by Heroina.

Having been more than familiar with Heroina's writing as well as thinking, Polaris waters the same seed ever-so-gently. 

Not long after Heroina's walk-off to the sunset, Autumn makes her debut in Venus. Preparing for rain and hoping for sunshine, Polaris champions the idea of Autumn like the seed she waters. It doesn't take much effort from the lord or Polaris for Autumn to become a natural piece in the new puzzle. An intriguing game of chess mixed with Risk starts. 

The decade to come brings a healthy dose of heartache for all those involved when Heroina meets Autumn. It was plain as day for Autumn that Heroina was more than she lets on. Being a natural beta, she easily accepted the existence of a nearby alpha and was comfortable with the circumstances as long as Red Lord kept Heroina at an arm's distance. 

Unavoidably, a few too-close encounters agitated Autumn because The Lord of Red was clearly staying under her influence long after the said encounters. It was almost she could sense the weight of previously made choices and their consequences. She wondered if The King of Sorrow felt the same or not. 

***

Having mindful of Autumn's perception, Polaris was privy to both sides of the story. She nudged Heroina in certain ways but she mainly focused her attention on the lord. She never judged nor blamed the Red Lord, she always loaded the accountability on Heroina’s shoulders.      

She was always overly perceptive of pack members and she easily noticed the impact of Heroina's existence on Autumn. Trying to balance the scales, she guided Autumn as much as she guided the Red Lord through the turbulent times. 

When the decade was slowly approaching its end, Autumn made peace with Heroina in her mind, but it was only after seeing Heroina in her element, taking care of her newly constructed pack in a far far away land, that sealed the deal for her. The distance made things a lot easier but time was the ultimate cure. 

Seeing Heroina in her element has broken the final hold she had over the Red Lord. He was finally happy for Heroina without feeling sad for himself. He was even hopeful for the next chapter in his story, looking to construct his own pack. 

Would you have chosen to form your own pack but never let them meet Heroina's pack or would you rather see them grow together? In distance or side-by-side?  

Heroina Part 4

Once upon a time in the desert 

Heroina goes through another transformational journey on her way to the desert. Much like the Phoenix, she rises from her ashes after a spontaneous combustion incident. Her emergence from a catastrophe of this magnitude made her stronger, smarter, and more powerful.

Through the looking glass, Heroina sees her true colors, desires, and goals. Going through the seven stages of grief in a heartbeat, she wraps her loving arms around The King of Sorrows. 

Feeling the drifting of Heroina, the King had stood still, when it's the hardest thing to do. Waited patiently and reaped the fruits of his resolve. The king was the king of sorrows for a reason. He had chosen to fall into Heroina's captivating vibe. Dreaming of becoming her knight in shining armor, it has taken him a second to realize Heroina neither needed nor desired to be saved. The damsel in distress concept was offensive to her. So, the king adapted to his circumstances. He learned to run with the wolf.

The King of Sorrows is the beta wolf in the pack. In the very simplest of terms, the beta male is the “second in command,” dominant over, all but, the alpha.  Completely uninterested in social rank, the beta male assumes command of the pack if the current alpha is killed or injured. For this reason, a beta may have to perform the most delicate balancing act of any wolf. Being the gentlest wolf in the pack, he seems to know which rank suits him and is comfortable in his skin. 

Heroina had her fair share of emotional turbulence in her natural habitat. With her newly rediscovered desires buried deep in her heart, she focused her energy on healing her wounds as she embarked on a road to self-discovery when she was left alone. Finding her new balance between the clashing civilizations who lived in her immortal soul, Heroina constructed a new life and redefined peace and happiness. The King of Sorrow going through this roller-coaster of a ride next to his alpha, Heroina, he weathered through the storm and lived to see another day.

***

Polaris was conflicted. Her heart was uncomfortable seeing The Lord of Red drift away from her reach as days passed by. She was happier than Heroina when she finally established a new normal. So, she waited for the lord to find the right frequency. But, he never did, at least, for a long enough time to dip in sorrow all alone. 

The Lord of Red naturally had chosen to feel guilt, then moved on to acceptance with a dash of salt. Shortly after Heroina's departure, he read her last words of wisdom. She had written a will. Her words were meticulously chosen, the consequences calculated and all circumstances taken into account. Heroina wrote "You are the scale and the weight. Make balanced choices." 

It took the Lord better parts of a decade to discover and re-discover the true meaning of these ever-so-brief words. Each time his perspective aligned with Heroina's, it was a day late and a dollar short. Timing is funny like that, its British sense of dark humor and sarcasm made the Lord slightly bitter. 

Eventually, Polaris decided to be the North Star to the Red Lord fearing he might never find his way back home. It was like the Lord has gone to the desert on a walkabout but never returned.   

Sharing the same role in a seemingly similar storyline, Polaris shared her deepest, darkest secrets with the Lord only to find out he has sensed a great level of conflict and already imagined every scenario. Having first damaged their relationship profoundly, the pair got over the hurt feelings and moved on. After all, the Red Lord was in a perpetual state of mediocre pain, much like a migraine patient.   

Being the Florence Nightengale of the entire Earth, Polaris swiftly started picking up the pieces and putting the Lord back together. She soon realized there are not enough philosophy books nor perspectives she can offer to help this alpha lick his wounds. She never uttered the words but she knew that this was an issue of circumstances feat. timing. 

From the dawn of time, Polaris believed Heroina and the Lord of Red were a toxic match whose story will likely end like Bonnie and Clyde's. She wished for a strong beta female for the Lord and an even stronger beta male for Heroina. She couldn't imagine two alphas together, thinking it will escalate rapidly only to destruct everything around them and with them in it. Now, she was contemplating whether this was worse than the eruption of that volcano. 

Would you have played the hand to see where the chips may fall, or would you rather save yourself the heartbreak with the possibility of getting your heart torn apart forever? 

Heroina Part 3

Once upon a time 

Uttering the words out loud, makes you hear them, thus consequently makes them come to life. Affording expression to one's deepest, darkest desires and believing in the truth of another perspective - affording it the possibility of existence - neatly sums up the transformational journey Heroina has gone through. 

Fueled by her hunger for learning, Heroina had an uncomfortable soul always yearning for more exploration and philosophical thinking. This new perspective she has obtained redefined learning as a process of remembering the past lessons to guide the current perception of reality, with the intention of implementing new strategies to influence choices and outcomes.   

So, now, Heroina gives you the responsibility of making a choice and living through its consequences. Different circumstances lead to different outcomes for Heroina as well as others. 

• Once upon a time in the desert 
• Once upon a time in Venus 
• Once upon a time in Mars

Heroina Part 2

Once upon on a time in Istanbul 

Catharsis is defined as the elimination of a complex by bringing it to consciousness and affording it expression.

Heroina being Heroina takes an action not by thinking through its consequences but feeling the spirit of the moment. Yes, she frequently engages in tornado-like behavior and often suffers through its consequences. 

Before arriving at guilt-freedom, the consequences slapped her in the face real hard. Having survived thirty-something years of choices with Polaris by her side reminding her of the cause-and-effect, she knows with each choice one waives another, thus, should be mindful of consequences. 

Before choosing to be kind to herself, Heroina chooses to be 'bad' in the most simplistic meaning of the word. She follows her desires and takes control of the moment only to drive it towards pleasure. Not many can stand in her way when she gets fierce like that. Naturally, The Lord of Red succumbs to her calling. 

It takes two to tango but one is enough to freak the fuck out and have a mini nervous breakdown. Heroina still only vaguely remembers the cold, hard feeling she had while chanting "What I fear the most has happened. Maybe it's not as bad as I imagined. Maybe it's so much worst that my mind is in denial" in an endless loop. After a few splashes of cold water, as cold as the feeling that has taken over her consciousness, her subconscious subsides and lets her awake mind take back control. 

Having been blind-sided by the almighty Heroina's nervous episode, The Lord of Red gets scared, thinking he has broken her mind which he deeply values. Soon after, Heroina quiets down the guilt in the lord's mind but not before finding out the hidden, suppressed truth of her reality which he was deeply in denial of. Sitting across the table from The Lord of Red and looking into his stary eyes, Heroina shoulders the ugly truth of her circumstance. Again in hindsight, she will discover that this truth was so deeply buried down in her personality and as well as her perception which she will need to take apart piece by piece only to re-construct her own truth. A truth she can be comfortable with.

Speeding through a series of intense moments, Heroina and The Lord of Red shared a glimpse of clarity neither of whom can call it their own.  

***

Determined to run wild outside of her comfort zone, Heroina walked up to The Lord of Red's den, with the curiosity of a wild-life documentarist eager to see this thing through. 

The Red Lord was in fact an absentee landlord of the medieval times. Looking up close, Heroina saw the cracks in his soul but never uttered a word. She wasn't being gentle nor selfish. She was just accepting the imperfect perfection of what was, what is, and what will be. 

This wasn't the first time Heroina and Red Lord's paths crossed. How many times these two mighty souls have shared a timeline? Only God knows. But, in this lifetime they had two prior engagements. Heroina wondered how the lord remembered those occurrences. Remembering them fondly, yet so vaguely, Heroina told over and over again what she has found so intriguing in the Red Lord. Like many emotions, these were reciprocated yet he kept the details to himself mostly. A few words he uttered that stuck with Heroina. Her subconscious grabbed onto those few words where The Lord of Red drowned Heroina in his gentle clarity. 

Urging Heroina to read M.S. 2150, Red Lord introduced the concept of Macro Philosophy, alpha souls, twin souls, and soul mates among other things. The lead character of the book was considered evolved because of his life experiences and accepting world view. His soul was macro/evolved enough to travel to 2150 where his twin soul, Lea Nine, and soul mate, Carol Three, who is also a reflection of his chosen brother Karl, lived.   

Enchanted by the possibility of another truth, Heroina latched onto this perspective for a few millennia to come. Discussing the theories in the book with Polaris, Heroina was not disturbed by the ending of the book, possibly seeing the perfect beauty of the imperfection. After all, stories that did not end with a happy ending were the ones that stayed with her. 

The third time wasn't the charm either. Heroina hasn't found closure and definitely wasn't ready to let go. She wanted to freeze time and cherish the moment in which she has met a new Heroina. This double ganger was a force of nature. Having absolute clarity in that present moment, she did not know fear, shame, pain, or grief. Who wouldn't want to be that invincible woman? 

These stolen moments, ever so brief, ended by Red Lord's choice. 

Heroina played countless lives in her bright mind. She visualized how her story could end without dwelling on the choices she would have to make and the consequences she would have to live through, in a heartbeat. For a brief moment, she was also free from circumstances. She realized she has passed through guilt-freedom and stepped into neverland.  

Feeling as light as a feather, accepting all possible outcomes of her countless life choices, Heroina gathered her thoughts and left a note for The Lord of Red before she journeyed to the stars far far away. 

***

Polaris could barely contain her thoughts when she saw Heroina the last time before her departure. Many things have been said yet nothing was resolved. Weirdly enough, the suspense wasn't killing either one of the women. As usual, Polaris was cautiously optimistic yet still secretly and openly judging Heroina. Fearful of her demise from mighty guilt-freedom, Polaris wanted Heroina to remember that the choices she has made prior to her homecoming were the so-called "right" ones. 

Polaris deemed Heroina as the greatest realist of all time. So, she wanted Heroina to stop living in neverland, yearning for the unlived and unsullied versions of her life. Most often than not, she grounded Heroina but every once in awhile encouraged her to dream and dream big. This time around, Polaris firmly believed in reviewing the facts and accepting the matters as they are to move past them. Like the North Star she is, reiterated her interpretation of the facts when needed to guide Heroina's perception. 

Heroina, on the other hand, was more conscious of the contrasting roles Polaris and herself were playing in a seemingly similar story. As she was trying to balance her feelings, thoughts, and goals in this lifetime, Heroina was vividly aware of the differences in circumstances. Polaris was regretting her choices but has found something resembling comfort living in the consequences of her so-called "bad" choices. Heroina was borderline proud of her daring choices, made under the influence of self-destructive impulses, but quite frankly was very new to navigating this type of consequence. The fruit of her choices, bad or otherwise, had yet to manifest itself. They were imminent but nevertheless unseen. 

Que in Lo Air's Day and Night:

I toss and turn, I keep stressing my mind, mind

I look for peace but see I don't attain

What I need for keeps this silly game we play, play

Now look at this

Madness to magnet keeps attracting me, me

I try to run but see I'm not that fast

I think I'm first but surely finish last, last

'Cause day and night

Hold the phone

The lonely stoner, Mr. Solo Dolo

He's on the move can't seem to shake the shade

Within his dreams he sees the life he made

It seems the feelings that she had are through

Heroina Part 1

Once upon a time in Izmir

You need a hero to go through a transformational journey to tell an origin story. 

This is the story of our heroine, Heroina, who discovers the power of truly wanting something and believing in it. By all means, you are free to interpret this as a story of desire and faith but from a larger perspective, this is a quantum mechanics story. 

Heroina is an emotional realist who sees life through multiple lenses. Her capacity for empathy and her inclination towards drama in life has complicated the better part of her life, so far, while leading her to prove her strength to herself. Like all heroes, she has left her comfort zone and excelled in life, then returned home and reevaluated her situation. 

One must know that truth is a subjective concept dependent on the perspective one's looking through. So, when returned home, Heroina had the opportunity to take a look at her life from different perspectives. Watching her life unfold before her eyes while wide awake, Heroina felt a series of uncomfortable emotions. Hindsight is a funny thing. Things appear so clearly yet remembering the actual moments and emotions that have been lived through and felt is awfully hard. For all the so-called 'wrong' choices she has made, she has chosen to be kind, kind to herself. A step further down the road, right past self-justification, she has found a new place, where she called the 'guilt-freedom', in which societies' expectations momentarily didn't define her truth. Listening to her own voice, she turned this place into her land of the free-spirited soul and balanced vibrations. 

Finding tranquility in the chaos of her creation was the epitome of her power, anyway. Being able to manipulate her perception as well as the people around her was something like an occupational hazard for her, having been raised in a particularly challenging family at a time of change. Coming to terms with her failures and seeing the necessity in these failures to learn, grow, and succeed was traumatic at first. After all, all origin stories need a traumatic yet transformational experience for the hero to emerge anew. 

***

Even though this is the story of Heroina discovering will power and having faith in herself and her beliefs to construct her own truth, she had to climb up the ladder step by step and discover a few more things before arriving at this conclusion. 

Her ancestral characteristics exude a distinct array of colors that would leave anyone in awe. The self-reliance, can-do attitude, passion, and hunger for learning defined her very personality. Yet, she always valued her support-circle as the most important thing in her life which made life worth living. She feared failure so much so that at times she couldn't succeed because of her infatuation with the fear. Her passion for life quite dramatically plummeted in her early 20s but the one constant in her life remained as the never-ending desire to learn and enrich her perspective. Even at her worst hour, she still managed to feed the fire just enough to keep it burning. This, truly, showed her strength and resilience. 

In the midst of this chaos, which Heroina called her life, she had a North Star so-to-speak. Polaris was Yoko Ono to Heroina's John Lennon or Simone de Beauvoir to her Jean-Paul Sartre... Their relationship was based on critical thinking and contemplation. Together and apart, they had a dynamic of talking and thinking over select concepts, dissecting choices, consequences, and circumstances in an effort to grasp the underlying forces that shape human behavior and perception. What a relationship, indeed!

Oftentimes, Polaris and Heroina didn't see things eye to eye yet enriched each others' perspectives just the same. Agreeing to disagree but continuing to discuss matters and evolving each other's points of view and attitudes towards life was what kept them together throughout all these years. Some things never change and their passion for listening to each other's unique points of view and endless acceptance of each others' faults were the constants in their relationship. 

***

Being the North Star, Polaris most often than not had the moral high ground. Since this is a transformational journey, Polaris had her fair share of the spiritual awakening of her own.  

Polaris is a discrete person. Not only her trade but also her personality strives for discretion. So, she kept her trauma to herself at a moment of truth, and in hindsight, Heroina saw this as the start of a chain reaction which will turn her life upside down.  

Equally excelled in empathy, Polaris lived vicariously through Heroina's journey while living her own up-side-down version in a loop. When all the cards were put down on the table, the two resilient women saw in each other the same little girl who made difficult choices and lived with enduring consequences.   

These two kindred souls diverged from one another in one paramount way; while Polaris obsessed about choices and consequences, Heroina always had a thing for circumstances. Nevertheless, both powerful women had a firm belief in being the master of their own faith. 

Que in W. Ernest Henley's Invictus:

Out of the night that covers me,

      Black as the pit from pole to pole,

I thank whatever gods may be

      For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance

      I have not winced nor cried aloud.

Under the bludgeonings of chance

      My head is bloody but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears

      Looms but the Horror of the shade,

And yet the menace of the years

      Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,

      How charged with punishments the scroll,

I am the master of my fate,

      I am the captain of my soul.

 

Zaman, kendini dinleme zamani

Bugun ilk defa farkindasin. Ilk defa hayatinin gidis hattini degistirecek karari almadan once, farkindasin.

Kimsin sen?

Isleyisi anladigin ve duygularini sindirdigin bir noktadan bakiyorsun hayata. Peki, ne goruyorsun?

Cocukluk fotograflarina baktiginda ne goruyorsun? Gulumsuyor musun? Poz vermeyi yeni bir ogrenmissin? Belki tavirlisin biraz. O anlarda kimlerle ne konusuldu hatirlamiyorsun ama sadece o anlarin sana nasil hissettirdigini hatirliyorsun. Peki, ne hissediyorsun?

Bolca sevgi, kucak dolusu mutluluklar, insanin icini burkan hayal kirikliklari, gozlerden damla olarak suzulen pismanliklar.. Hepsinde biraz sen varsin. Akip giden, birbirine karisan bu duygu seli sensin. Peki, aka aka yasadin mi bu hayati?

Insan mutlulugu hep gecmis zamanda mi yasar, yoksa, anin icinde bunun farkindadir da bozulmasin diye endise ettiginden mi ani kaciriyordur bilinmez ama, hayat mutsuz gecirmek icin cok uzun, onu ogrendim ben.

Aramiyorum artik mutlulugu, bulmadim da.

Mutlu olmayi secmeyi ogrendim.

Kimse seni kurtaramaz, sen kurtulmak istemedikce. Kendimden kurtulmaktansa, onunla yasamayi ogrendim. Aklimin ne zaman gidip geldigini, neyin bana iyi neyin kotu geldigini ogrendim. Once dusmeyi, paralize olmayi, sonra silkinip kendini toplayip yeniden ayaga kalkmayi ogrendim. Tanistigima cok memnun oldum kendimle.

Vicdanin kiymetini vicdan azabi cekince anladim. Dinlenmenin keyfini yorulunca cikarttim. Cabalamanin degerini elim kolum baglaninca ogrendim.

Hayata geldiginde sistemin nasil calistigini cabuk ogreniyor bebekler. Aglayinca karnini doyuran, altini temizleyen, yaralarina ilac suren, sarilip sevgi veren ebeveynleri olunca insanin, anliyor ki bu is sende baslayip sende bitiyor. Cozum icin ilk adimi sen atacaksin. Sen iletisim kuracaksin ki, birileri yardima gelsin. O yuzden dogar dogmaz agliyor bebekler. Ne buyuleyici bir kurgu, ne hayran kalinacak bir sistem.

Ne koyarsan onu isleyip geri veriyor bu sistem. Nane yiyorsun ferahlik veriyor, dram iciyorsun depresyon veriyor. 2 + 2 koyuyorsun 3 + 1 veriyor sana. Ne bir eksigini ne bir fazlasini. Acilara dustugunde, bazen bu kadari da fazla geldiginde, isyan etme. +1 de ogrendiklerin var elinde. Kalbini actigin anlari, enginlere sigmayip tastigin o coskulu duygulari veriyorsun hayata, akip gidiyor, akinti sana kimi zaman hayal kirikliklari, kalp sizilari ve bogazda dugumlenen son sozler getiriyor. Bu da gelip, yikip geciyor. Sonra kalkip tekrar, bu sefer ogrendiklerini kullanarak bir daha deniyorsun. Hayat, nefes aldikca, hep sana yeni bir tur, yeni bir sans veriyor.

“Benim guzel hatalarim var” demeyi ogrendiginde, hatalarindan ogrenirken yasayiveriyor insan hayati. Akiyor.

Kendini kabullenmek, yetmez. Onu anlaman lazim. Neyi, ne zaman, neden hissettigini anlaman/yasadigini bilmen lazim. Ama gec ama erken. Dibe batip ayaklarin yere degdiginde de dustugun yerden guc alip tekrar su yuzune cikman lazim. Hayat, seni degistirip sekillendiren bir dizi olaydan ibaret. Olaylara farkli acilardan bakmayi deneyip sana en uyanini bulman lazim.

Kimsin sen, onu anlaman sonra da onunla barisman lazim. Kendini sevmezsen, baska hicbir seyi sevemezsin.

Hayatin renklerini gormeyi, her birini sevebilmeyi basarmak kocaman bir kalp ister. Farkliliklari zenginlik olarak gormek, acilara ragmen hala yoluna devam edenlerdeki umudu hissetmek rahatsizdir ve insanin icini buruklastirir. O kekremsi tat sonradan, zamanla seviliyor.

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Zaman, sadece zaman gerekiyor.

Persevere and Prosper

We all started with high hopes for ourselves. We had plans, aspirations, and dreams for our future. And then life happened. Each and every one of us has a broken part deep inside their soul now. But, we all persevered.

We learned happiness is not the destination but the journey and no one but yourself can make you happy. This put each and every one of us on a different journey to figure out how we can make ourselves happy. It took courage to embark on these journeys and we weren’t fearless. In fact, scared shitless, we started the search to find ourselves. Because nothing could be scarier than a life that wasn’t lived truly and to be true to yourself first you need to know yourself.

Some of us changed cities some changed countries. Some didn't move more than an inch but we all left some things behind. We left unrealized dreams behind to realize new ones. 

We learned to walk away from toxic habits, partners, and jobs. Determined to fail again but fail better next time, we embraced our failures which are our greatest teachers. To fail more meant to learn more. To learn more was to live better.  Ultimately, we learned to forgive ourselves for the mistakes we've made. 

Some of us learned to meditate some of us knew all along how to listen to their mind, body, and soul. We became our own teachers, doctors, and saviors. We knew no one could save ourselves but us. 

We learned to make an effort to understand others, where they come from why they think the way they think. We opened ourselves to all the colors of this world. We learned everyone had a role to play in their own story and it wasn't our place to judge their performance. Afterall, we were neither the judge nor the jury. We learned to evaluate an instance with its circumstances. Because circumstances mattered.   

Some of us became alone some became lonely. Lonesome wasn't something new for some of us and loneliness broke some of us. But eventually, we all learned to stand tall. One by one we learned not to sell ourselves short because it was all that we had. Life chewed us up and spat us out. Then we pulled ourselves together and got up, again. After a decade of practice, we started to build resilience. 

We discovered hard truths about ourselves. Someone said "If the truth hurts, you ain't living right." so we had to find the strength in ourselves to change. Facing our demons wasn't easy, let alone slaying them. When our inability to change hit us like a ton of bricks, the pain and misery lit a fire. And then the phoenix was born again from its ashes.  

Would You Survive for Yourself?

Her zaman biraz dark bir insan oldum ben. Mood swinglerim Disneyland’deki en kral roller coaster’a tas cikartirdi. Depresif oldugum zamanlarda sarkazm ve dark espiri anlayisimla goz doldururdum. Sonra, hayatin anlamini yitirdigi bir donemim oldu. Firtinali bir denizde beni alabora etmeye calisan dalgalara benzetiyordum yasamayi.  O zaman ogrendim ‘depresyon’ kelimesinin gercek anlamini. Oyle umarsizca agza sakiz edilecek bir kelime olmadigini gordum. O halet-i ruhiyeye adim adim nasil girdigimi yillar sonra anladim ama hala nasil ciktigimi tam olarak bilemiyorum. Ki cikisimin da yillar surdugunu dusunursek, tek soyleyebilecegim bende derin izler biraktigi.

Disardan bakinca depresyondan cikmis gibi gozuktugum ama icten ice dustugum yerden ayaga kalkmadigimi, sadece dizlerimin uzerinde duracak kadar dogruldugumu bildigim bir donemde hayat karsima bir firsat cikardi. Kimisi buna ilahi mudahele der, kimisi sans, kimisi alin yazisi.. Bence aslinda hayat siklikla karsimiza boyle firsatlar cikariyor. Sadece, bizi guven alanimizdan cikaracak kararlar vermedigimiz icin, oncesinde sunulan secimlerin ‘firsat’ oldugunu goremiyoruz. 

Isin guzel tarafi, insan kendine deger veren, cesur hareketler yaptiginda evren hareketi alkisliyor. Exponential geri donusleri oluyor. Gercekten isteyince insanin yapamayacagi bir sey yok. Ama istemesi zor iste.. Iyilesmeyi istemek, degismeyi istemek, kendini sevip kendin icin dogru olani istemek bunlar yer cekimine karsi gelmek kadar zor seyler. Insan beyni ‘bahane/sebep’ yaratmak istediginde o kadar yaratici ve inandirici olabiliyor ki cogu zaman kendimizi duygularimizin esiri, aliskanliklarimizin kolesi veya talihsizliklerin kurbani olarak tanimlamakta hic zorlanmiyoruz.

Bekara koca bosamasi kolay demeyin. Bir kere cesaret gosterip kendin icin dogru karari aldiginda sihirli degnek degmiscesi yoluna girmiyor insanin hayati. Asil is zaten dogru karari aldiktan sonra basiretli davranmakta. Bu karari her gun tekrar tekrar almak gerekiyor. Her gun tekrar tekrar kabuk baglamak uzere olan yarayi kanatircasina, konfor saglayan efsundan kurtulmak ve zor olan adimi atmak lazim. Bunun icin de tek bir motivasyon var; kendinle barismak, kendini sevmek ve kendine deger vermek. Baskasi icin yasanmiyor hayat. Bir is, bir es, para veya nufuz/guc insana her gun tekrar tekrar dogru kararlari almasi icin gerekli motivasyonu saglayamiyor.   

Izledigim bir dizide iki karakter arasinda su konusma gectiginde cok etkilenmistim:
+ Would you die for me?
- I’ll survive for you.

Ben kendim icin ‘survive’ ettim. Would you survive for yourself?

Insan davranislarina soyle bir alici gozuyle baktiginda paternlerini rahatlikla gorebiliyor ama onlarla yuzlesmesi cok rahatsiz edici. Herkesin kendi kendine zarar veren davranis secimi baska. Kimi madde bagimlisi, kimi yemek, kimi alisveris. Kimi evli bir adama asik, kimi kendine asla hak ettigi degeri vermeyecek birine, kimi baskasina asik birine.  Hikayeler farkli olsa da olaylarin akisi da ayni cozum yolu da. Hepimiz kendimize itiraf etmek istemesek de zarar veren davranislarimizin farkindayiz. Zihinlerimizin kiliflar uretmesine izin veriyoruz. Kendimiz icin daha iyisini istemeden bu donguden cikmamiz mumkun degil.

We all need to love ourselves.

We all need to know our self worth.

We all need to survive for ourselves.

   

Travel Often Getting Lost Will Help You Find Yourself: Honeymooning @ the Down Under

Australia has a fascinating nature, a very relaxed lifestyle and a heartbreaking history.

The sunshine state Queensland mesmerizes you with the mighty rainforest meeting the ocean.  It’s so exotic that feels like a movie set.  People move at a much slower pace, no wonder they have a special hand gesture for ‘being chill/relaxed’. 

When you look behind the veil, a bloody destructive history lies. On the way to the world’s oldest rainforest, Daintree, the road is covered with sugar cane farms on both sides. The railway is built crosstown to carry the harvest to the port. From an industrial perspective they did a great job, however, they became one of the largest exporters of sugar by cutting down the rainforest, destroying wildlife and basically killing the indigenous population. Now, you can pet the exotic animals at the zoo and meet a couple of indigenous people at the Mossman Gorge Centre at a fee. It’s baffling how they are profit from ecotourism after committing genocide on so many levels (plants, animals, people). The most heartbreaking moment was when the indigenous guy was preaching friendship and unity. Aussies have killed 99% of his community, invaded their homes and forced the remaining of their people to assimilate but he has to preach peace and coexistence because he doesn't have any other choice. It's applaudable how well he is coping with his circumstances considering many before him couldn’t.

From the book Homo Sapiens by Yuval Noah Harari:

“Avrupalı yerleşimciler yerlileri önce adanın zengin bölgelerinden uzaklaştırdılar, sonra da kalan yabani arazileri bile ele geçirip yerlileri sistematik olarak avlayarak öldürdüler. Hayatta kalan çok az sayıda insan da dini bir toplama kampına doluşturuldu, burada iyi niyetli ama açık görüşlü olmayan misyonerler, onları modern dünyanın anlayışı doğrultusunda eğitmeye çalıştı. Tazmanyalılar okumaya ve yazmaya, Hristiyanlığı öğrenmeye, elbise dikmek ve çiftçilik gibi pek çok “üretken beceri” edinmeye zorlandılar; ama hepsine direndiler. Daha da melankolik bir hâle bürünerek çocuk sahibi olmayı bıraktılar, hayata ilgileri tükendi, nihayet bilim ve ilerlemeye dayalı modern dünyadan tek kaçış yolunu seçtiler: ölüm.”        

Throughout our trip, we were very lucky to have marvelous guides/instructors. They made the experience 100% better. Our guide to the Daintree rainforest taught us that tea tree oil is a great mosquito repellent. Indigenous people used to burn tea tree wood chips to protect themselves from mosquitos and other bugs. He also taught us that indigenous people used to use acoustics to communicate within the jungle. They would hit the tree trunk and warn tribe members of dangers approaching. Our rafting instructor, who previously was a plumber, was like a naughty child. He reinforced us to splash water on other boats and laugh our hearts out. The free lesson on worker unions was a bonus. Our diving instructor was determined to make every single one in the group gives him a smile. He even made the sea-sick girl laugh a little. I love that type of people who make it their mission to have fun and let everyone enjoy the ride. He was Dutch but he knew some Turkish swear words and he didn’t hesitate to use them recreationally. I don’t think we’ve laughed any harder than this while being cursed =)

The tourist brochures say “it’s an unspoiled tropical paradise” but the Great Barrier Reef would beg to differ. On the way to the reef, they told everyone they will give special body suits which are 100% UV protective so there is no need to put on sunscreen. They emphasized the adverse effects of sunscreen on the reef. Poor guys can’t get enough sun because of the layer of sunscreen covering the sea top which comes off of people’s skin while swimming. Everyone was there to see the coral reef before it died altogether but some people still managed to be dickheads and kept applying sunscreen on the way. It convinced me that even God’s heaven would be spoilt once homo sapiens entered into it. 

On this trip, we also learned that after sugar cane and ecotourism Australia's third biggest income source was Opal. We were looking at opal jewelry at a shop where the salesclerk was from South America. She joked with us about how early Aussies go to bed at night. It got me thinking all night... Days are longer and harder on the poorer side of the world. Shopping malls are open until 10 or 11 PM whereas in Sydney late night shopping is only on Thursday and until 9 PM. It's like a joke!   

The Australian government rules over a massive land populated by very few people. They have a great social government. The concepts of government housing and unemployment salary are taken to a whole another level. There are government houses with an ocean view for God’s sake! Work-life balance is better than most countries. Government healthcare, education, and transportation services are better than what is available in Turkey in the private sector. I couldn’t help myself but be jealous of the Aussies’ privileges.  However, it’s funny how they ignore the fact that European settlers basically invaded this land, massacred its people and has been exploiting its resources for generations. So, I wonder how they can live with themselves as they are denying immigrants from the Middle East or South East Asia entry into their country. The land and the resources are not rightfully theirs, to begin with, and they themselves are immigrants but they have no concept of empathy. It’s just shameful.  

Being born in the right place at the right time might grant you privileges but the question is whether you share them with others or be a selfish child. It's about having a conscious and empathizing with the less fortunate ones. Greed is a powerful thing but we must train our minds and educate our kids to find some peace and happiness in this world.